We’ve all been there - questioning why we can't be having more sex. The sad reality is that we’ve been fed the idea by society that to be sexually active - you need to be having sex with a partner, and you need to be having lots of it.
But before we get started, let’s be clear! You do not need a partner to be sexually active. In fact, a healthy pleasurable sex life often starts with you. Having sex solo. And many people report a fulling pleasurable sex life without a partner.
That said - if you do have a partner, and you aren’t having as much sex as you’d like, or you’re in a sexless relationship - there are many solutions available. The good news is - these tend to be fun and easy.
So, for those of you wondering ‘what can I do to be sexually active’, this one’s for you.
1. Spend time engaging with the erotic
When we say erotic, that means audio, visual or written! You don’t have to commit to touching yourself or bringing yourself to orgasm. Just simply listening to a sexy story on your way to work can do wonders for your desire.
Engaging with erotica also includes playing around with fantasy. Fantasy on the one hand can heighten pleasure and excitement during sex. On the other hand, it can help us uncover what turns us on and off, which we can then introduce into partnered play… roleplay anyone?
2. Practice touching
Sensate focus techniques can get you in tune with your body and clued up to what it wants!
Have a go playing around with touch all over your body - and pay attention to how your body reacts. This exercise is great for people struggling with a low sex drive, as it’s an easy and non-threatening way to start engaging sexually, without the pressure of having to go the whole way.
3. Explore your body
As we mentioned before, you don’t need a partner to be sexually active. Get exploring your body and find out the many ways to pleasure yourself. Did you know there is more than one type of orgasm? Many women don’t realize that you can have an orgasm from your nipples, in fact, 29% of women can orgasm purely from breast stimulation*!
And, if your a man, pay some attention to your perineum and anal opening. Most men find the stimulation of these areas highly pleasurable.
4. Use toys
There are all sorts of fun toys out there for men, women and couples. Sex toys can actually play an important role in enhancing your sex life and introducing you to a new world of sexual sensations and pleasure.
Men suffering from a low sex drive often overlook toys to help build arousal - but there are a whole range of toys that stimulate the penis, perineum and anus.
Not to mention, toys introduce newness and variety to your sex life which will leave you wanting more! And don't shy away from introducing them into your partnered play either...
Not only is exercise a proven mood booster. It also releases endorphins which increase your feelings of positivity. For many people, mood and even lack of body confidence can be a major barrier to wanting to engage sexually. However, if you're feeling confident in yourself and your body - you may find you have more drive to engage sexually!
Lover has created some short ‘sexercise’ work-outs to get you started.
6. Get physically affectionate
If you’re not engaging in affectionate touch, or sex, it will most likely fall off your radar. So, if you have someone close in your life - let them know! Having a kiss or a cuddle every now and again will help maintain a physical (and emotional!) connection. You may find the increased physical contact will lead its way to more sex...
7. Be experimental
Bedroom boredom is a leading cause of people not engaging sexually. If this resonates with you - think of some new positions to try! Maybe you always have sex at the same time or in the same place? Switch it up! Your imagination is the only thing holding you back.
When we introduce novelty to sex it increases our anticipation of the event and it heightens our arousal. Just think back to the old days when everything was exciting just because it was new and unexpected! Many couples in long-term relationships come to know the step by step process of sex... A couple minutes of kissing, three minutes of foreplay - then sex. So, why not surprise your partner, and change it up? You might be surprised at the results.
8. Don’t wait until you want
Last but not least! Don’t wait until you want!
Sexual desire naturally wanes as we get older, and as our relationships mature. So it’s natural to find yourself being less sexually active. Even if you have a high sex drive, children, work and family commitments all get in the way a lot more than they did previously. If this feels relevant to you, make a conscious effort to change it.
If we sit there like a lemon waiting to feel sexual, we may be waiting a while. So, kickstart your engine, and start having sex (be that solo or partnered)! You might set aside a time to masturbate every day or buy a sex new toy.
If you have a partner, create an erotic mood by dimming the lights or putting on a sexy playlist. This will set the tone for sex and get you both in the headspace to let go…
*Dr. Herbert Otto, survey of 213 women.