Maximizing Sexual Arousal: Going Down On Her
Updated: Jun 12
Editors note: This is an abridged version of the full guide, which is available in the Lover app
When it comes to putting misleading ideas into our minds, the porn industry definitely has its faults. And one of the most misleading sexual desire ideas which it imprints on many of us during our formative years - is the idea that penetration is an easy and reliable way of bringing a woman to orgasm.
The problem is - it's just not.
In fact, only 17% of women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration or intercourse. Compare that with over 90% of women who are able to reach orgasm from oral sex and you start to get a better idea of female arousal triggers.
Tuning Into Your Partner
But before we get into the details, here’s a couple of things to keep in mind.
First, oral sex, like any kind of sex is about tuning into your partner’s responses as well as your own experience. So treat the guidance here as a starting point. You’ll need to constantly adjust and adapt to meet you and your partner's sexual desire and needs.
Secondly, we tend to have the best sexual experiences when we’re in a positive headspace. And this tends to happen when we’re feeling comfortable, both mentally and physically. So try and do everything possible to maximize this comfort, both before, during and after oral sex.
This starts with preparation. If having a shower, brushing your teeth, even shaving - makes either of you more comfortable, then go for it!
Finally, to maximize sexual arousal, it's worth paying attention to your environment too. Soft lighting, complete privacy, and a lack of distractions can all help to create a space where it's easy to be mentally and physically comfortable.
It's easy to underestimate the impact of a safe and sexy environment.
Remember, even if it doesn’t make much of an impact on you, it might make the difference when it comes to putting your partner’s mind at ease.
Coreplay. Not Foreplay!
Although oral sex is commonly referred to as part of foreplay, this is not a helpful description. This type of sexual arousal involves more direct stimulation of the clitoris than vaginal penetration. This means that you’ll need to allow just as much time for your partner’s sexual arousal cycle time to warm up.
In fact, we think of traditional foreplay as ‘coreplay’ and invite you to do the same.
So give yourselves at least 10 to 15 minutes of non-genital touching to build the anticipation, before even thinking about moving onto oral sex.
Moving Into Oral
When it comes to your first touch, consider kissing her inner thighs. If you’re getting positive feedback, maybe build up into gently using your tongue, lips, or even teeth to carry on stimulating her, while increasing sexual arousal levels.
Slowly work your way up one thigh and then gently graze your mouth and nose across her vulva. Barely make contact as you do, before making your way down her other inner thigh.
You can repeat this as long as you’d like - don’t be tempted to rush things. It’s all part of building up sexual arousal! It’s time to get physical too, consider firmly grabbing her buttocks or waist - or you could try wrapping your hands around her outer thighs.
And only when you’re sure she’s ready for more, start with a wide, slow application of light pressure from your tongue.
Take your time with this, perhaps bringing your flattened tongue slowly up from the lower vulva - where her lips meet. Then up past the vaginal opening and finishing just short of the clitoris.
Establish a slow rhythm here, and take your time allowing the vulva to become accustomed to these sensations.
Leave some space between each lick to build the anticipation and sexual arousal, pausing where necessary. Such is the physiology of female arousal that even a still tongue against the vulva for a few moments can intensify pleasure.
Going Slow is Good
Whatever technique you decide to use, don’t worry about how long it's taking.
Remember that the average woman needs 20 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation to reach climax. Warm-up those female arousal triggers and cast time aside. Going slowly is how female sexual arousal works.
At the same time, increase your own sexual desire by honing in on your senses, like taste and touch. Those who genuinely love oral sex are the most skilled at delivering pleasure to their partner’s needs.
The aim is to create an experience of sexual pleasure that you can share with her and that you also enjoy. And the more you can focus on this element of pleasure and its journey, the more amazing the sex is going to be for both of you.
Remember - for the unrestricted version of this guide, subscribe to the Lover app, where you'll find lots more science-based insight around how to experience (and give!) more pleasure in the bedroom.