• The Lover Team

How can I feel less nervous about virtual sex? | Ask Dr. Blair


"My sexting buddy wants to do live video and I do too but I’m super nervous, we usually stick to text/pic/vid messages back and forth. It’s not a serious relationship so I don’t want to get too into it with them. I’ve never had video sex (or in-person sex, maybe good to note) so I think I just don’t have a point of reference and I like to be prepared. When it’s not live, I have a second to react and then respond.

What are some things that might make me feel less nervous or that I can ask them to do to help me feel less nervous? Should I tell them I’m nervous? How can I do that in a sexy way?"

Dr. Blair's Answer:

Great question! Firstly, you're not alone. I think everyone is a bit nervous before their first sexual encounter or even nervous when with a new partner. Regardless of how much experience they've had previously.

Letting your lover know that you are both excited and nervous can help reduce the anxiety and may cue your brain that you're also excited... which can feel similar to anxiety.

If this feels too intimidating to let them know on video, you can tell them via text. Sometimes just naming the "elephant" in the room can help. Ask your Lover to text/share a fantasy prior to your video date, this may give you a sense of what they may be interested in seeing/doing when on video. Think about what you may want to see or do... and let them know this is what you're looking forward to.

When the time comes, do not do anything that feels unsafe for you. Start by talking to your lover and consider sharing with them how you're feeling in the moment. This may help you feel connected which can reduce the intensity of the butterflies in your stomach!

Do you have a question for Dr. Britney Blair? Head into the "Community" section of our app. The Community is a judgment-free and safe space where you can ask anonymous questions and get real answers from our expert. Download Lover here to see what people are talking about.