Your brain is your biggest sexual organ. It’s part of sexual desire, arousal, and having orgasms.
“Sexual pleasure is not just a simple set of reflexes in the body. After all, epileptic bursts of electricity in the brain alone can trigger everything from desire to ecstasy,” Carl Zimmer writes in Discover.
This means that you use your brain during sex whether you want to or not. But it also means that sexual fantasies can make your sex life even better. According to a discussion in the Personal and Social Psychology Bulletin, sexual fantasy can lead to higher sexual desire and “increased engagement in relationship-promoting behaviors” like emotional support and expressing love. It can also make sex within a relationship more likely.
Importantly, at least some of your fantasies should be active and you-driven. Watching porn and reading erotica are great and can be sources of new ideas and explorations, but your fantasy life should also involve your own desires and creativity. "Engaging your imagination rather than relying on visual porn for example helps to build, enhance, and strengthen your erotic mind," Dr. Britney Blair, clinical psychologist and Lover co-founder, tells Mashable. "You can bring that imagination to life when you want to prime the pump on your desire or push yourself over the edge to climax while solo or with a partner."
Here’s how to take your sexual fantasies to the next level.
Set the Scene
Creating the right environment free from distractions and stress is one of the best ways to get present for pleasure. Pick a private space, lock the door, and turn off your phone. Pop some music on for some extra privacy if you wish. Give yourself physical and mental room to explore.
Dr. Blair recommends scheduling time to engage with fantasy and making it a habit that is part of your everyday routine.
For instance, getting ready for bed might look like brushing your teeth, taking a shower, having a series of orgasms as you let your mind wander to that one kinky thing you’ve always wanted to try, doing your skincare routine, and getting into bed.
Be Gentle with Yourself
When many of us still carry shame around our sexual fantasies or sex lives, you might find yourself struggling with some of what you fantasize about.
"It’s important to know if that is coming up for you, you’re not alone. But there is no such thing as a wrong or right fantasy," Dr. Blair says.
Your imagination is a judgment-free zone. If you find shame or self-judgment coming up, notice it, and let it go. Bring your mind back to the fantasy at hand. Dr. Blair suggests that, while exploring sexual fantasies in your mind, try to distinguish between when you're having a reaction versus a judgment to a certain scenario. Judgments often come from values imposed on you by something or someone else. But reactions can let you know that your mind wants to explore something further, especially if it's something you never thought you'd be into.
By assessing where that thought is coming from, you might find that reaction is just because it's something you haven't yet explored. "Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime," Dr. Blair says. "Whatever turns you on in your mind is totally healthy. Your fantasy doesn’t say anything about you except that you are lucky to have a rich imagination that you can use to have an exciting and enduring erotic life."
Remember, sexual fantasy is not real. Plenty of people choose to act on some of their fantasies, but plenty of others don’t. You can fantasize about things (or people) you’d never want to do in real life, and do things in real life that you enjoy but don’t fantasize about.
Just because a sexual fantasy is common doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy it. However, if you want to grow your fantasy life and don’t know where to start, the most common sexual fantasies can be fertile inspiration.
Dr. Blair suggests thinking around the categories of multi-partner sex (group sex or threesomes); power, control, or rough sex; novelty, adventure, and variety; taboo and forbidden sex; partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships; passion and romance; and imagining yourself or your partners as different genders.
While you never want to depend too heavily on porn and erotica for your fantasies, they can definitely help to give you ideas. Ethical porn (i.e., that you pay for), audio erotica, zines, sexts, and even NSFW Reddit threads can all be potential sources of inspiration. So can your own memories or desires. Just give your mind — and your hands — permission to wander off. You’ll build an extensive road map of your own pleasure pathways, and have a great time getting lost along the way.
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