• The Lover Team

Mindfulness: The Secret to Better Sex

Updated: Dec 10, 2020

We live so much of our lives on auto-pilot, lost in the content of our mind, distracted and not present.

Just think for a moment...

When was the last time you took a shower and carefully attended to the sensation of the water on your skin, the smell of the shampoo in your hair or the sound of the water hitting the floor? 

Can you remember the last time you were totally focused on the taste of your food? 

Food tastes so much better when we actually taste it. When we taste the flavors, the textures… Can you see where we're going with this? The same goes for sex. 

For many of us, the ability to stay present in sex is really challenging. Maybe your mind skips off onto tomorrow’s to-do list, that message you forgot to send… or that dirty sock in the corner of the room. 

We don’t know many people that can orgasm (let alone experience sexual pleasure!) when they’re thinking about everything but sex. 

Or maybe you find you take on the role of the “spectator” in sex? What do we mean by that...

Well, one form of mind-wandering in sex is becoming a 'spectator'. Thinking about what your body looks like… worrying about your sexual performance or how long you're taking to climax. It might even be questioning whether you're doing 'it' right, or what your next move should be. Any of these sound familiar? 

Being mindful, and learning how to be present in sex allows us to shut out all that mental chatter. The chatter that distracts us from fully immersing ourselves in all the pleasures of sex. 

Because when we’re up in our heads, we miss out on all that is happening to us. But, by focusing our minds on the physiological sensations, you can actually intensify your pleasure and experience.

And to be clear, this is so common.

It’s why Lover founder, and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Britney Blair says learning how to be mindful in sex is one of the best tips for more pleasurable sex. 

And there are studies to back it up too. One study conducted in 2019 revealed that the more sexually mindful individuals tended to have better self-esteem, were more satisfied with their relationships and, especially for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives.* Sounds pretty convincing right?

That’s why at Lover we think meditation is a key tool when it comes to sex. The great news is, if you can master the art of staying in the moment, you’ll find areas outside of your sex life will see the benefits too. Especially if you’re an overthinker or someone who’s frequently stressed.

Of course, learning how to be mindful in sex doesn’t just happen instantly. Most likely, when you first try it out you’ll find your mind drifts off pretty quickly. Like anything, it just takes practice. 

You've got to set yourself up for success.

Most of us live busy lives and our bodies are not light switches that we can simply switch on or off. Our minds and bodies are much more like a dimmer switch. So, take a moment to disentangle from your day and move into a state of arousal and openness to the erotic.

Create a space that is free from distractions.

That means decluttering your bedroom, locking the door if you’re worried about the kids walking in. If it makes you feel more body confident, light some candles and dim the lights. You can even take a hot bath with your partner before, so you are both feeling more relaxed and in the mood. 

Working towards becoming sexually mindful is a process, but the end goal can be revolutionatize the sex you're having.

If you're interested in getting started with sexual mindfulness, we've got plenty of guided exercises over on the Lover app.




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