• The Lover Team

Being Present To Pleasure

Updated: Jul 23


When it comes to feeling distracted or being on auto-pilot - most of us are experts. We spend our whole lives multi-tasking. Juggling between homes, jobs, relationships and social lives. But while you may be well aware this isn't good for your sleep and stress levels, are you aware of the impact it has on your sexual pleasure?


The Importance of Being Sexually Present

When we’re having great sex - it’s probably because we’re feeling a whole load of sexual sensations all over the body. But in order to feel that pleasure, it does require us to have a bit of focus… 


But as our lives become increasingly stressful, fragmented, and just downright busy - focus can become something that is harder and harder to achieve. Our brains can seem like they are on constant overdrive - even when we're trying to relax. 


On top of that, many people find themselves distracted by negative thoughts during sex, like ‘do I look OK’, or ‘am I doing this right?’... And these thoughts can contribute to a fear of letting go sexually, which isn't exactly conducive to us enjoying sex...


As with most things in life - sex is best enjoyed without distractions. Physical OR mental. Think about the last time you ate food while you were in a rush. Do you remember enjoying the taste of the food? Likely not. It’s almost impossible to enjoy food when our minds are frantically thinking through our to-do list. Even if it was three courses of gourmet food! 


Which is why one of the most important steps to experiencing greater sexual pleasure in bed, is simply learning how to focus your mind on what you're feeling, and not on what you're thinking. Because when you slow down and allow those physical sensations of pleasure to come to the surface, you can really transform your whole experience of sex.


How to Be More Present in Bed


Let's start with the easy part. Remember we're dealing with physical and mental distractions here. Physical distractions are within your complete control, so try to minimize them


Turn off your work phone, or put it in another room. No one wants to see a message pop up from your work colleague mid-way through sex. The same goes for your laptop, work clothes and even the smallest hint of work-related conversation. Remember, out of sight is out of mind! So try to eliminate or minimize anything that could distract you.


Of course, dialing down the mental distraction isn't quite so simple. So this next will require a bit more time and attention.


The long-term strategy is all about building your ability to focus on sensation and stay sexually present. Some people use traditional meditation and mindfulness practices. Or you can simply build it into your daily life. We like to recommend to our users that they spend 30 seconds in the shower every day, focusing on the sensation of water against their skin. You can also do this while brushing your teeth! Whatever works for you. 

Once you hone in these skills and train your mind to minimize distraction - you’ll find it much easier to focus on what you’re feeling in the bedroom. Just trust us... 


TTP: Temperature, Texture & Pressure

That said, if you’re after some short term tips and tricks, we’ve got some of them too.


Lover co-founder and Clinical Psychologist Dr. Britney Blair likes to suggest to her patients to use the TTP method. Whenever you find yourself getting distracted during sex, all you need to do is remember 'TTP' - Temperature, Texture and Pressure.


Just picking one of these, and focusing your mind on the experience of that sensation, will give you a quick and easy way of dropping away from your racing thoughts - and back into the sensations of sex.

 

Of course, practice makes perfect. So we'd recommend trying this out during solo sex a few times first. After a few attempts, you'll start to find it working as a wonderful escape route from a busy mind during sex - and a shortcut towards a whole new world of pleasure! What’s even better is these tips will help you beyond the bedroom by increasing happiness, and decreasing anxiety and depression!

We hope you enjoyed our quick guide to Being Present For Pleasure. For our detailed course - including video guidance from Dr. Britney Blair - be sure to download the Lover App today.


References


https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/insight-therapy/201502/why-we-cant-stay-focused-during-sex-and-why-it-matters

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