• The Lover Team

The Truth About Sexual Turn-Ons | Overcoming Shame

Updated: Dec 21, 2020

Did you know, just about anything the mind can imagine turns someone on, and turns someone else off.

How great is that? Just think of how many turn-ons there are out there...

Why is there shame around our sexual turn-ons?

Unfortunately, because our turn-ons (and offs) live primarily in the recesses of our minds and are rarely talked about, we are all too often left alone in trying to understand whether we are “normal” or not. 

Or the messages we’ve received from society, religion and our parents have told us something is “wrong”. 

And this is is something that continues today, even within our education. Did you know, just 24 states mandate sex education and fewer require this information to be medically accurate? That means many of us aren’t receiving any sex education OR the sex education we are receiving is littered with inaccuracies. 

And this is so problematic. Because feeling like something is “wrong” with us or not knowing how to celebrate our sexuality can lead to feelings of shame. And shame is exactly the opposite of feeling sexy. 

It can lead us to change our behavior, inhibit our sexuality, and it can even contribute to the emergence of physical sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction or low desire

So our message? Please, stop judging yourself! 

Not just because it’s wasted energy. But also because releasing that shame can have a transformative impact on your sexual pleasure. In fact, you can turn your sources of shame into something that brings you great sexual pleasure. And if shared with a partner, it can also increase intimacy and trust. 

So, for those of you who need a little more persuasion, we’re going to share with you some facts found by Justin Lehmiller in his study of Americans on their sexual fantasies. His study included more than 4000 Americans in 50 states, aged between 18 - 87 years old, from a diverse range of backgrounds, religions, and socio-economic backgrounds. 

Hopefully, by seeing how common they are, you’ll feel more confident to let go and explore them. Without any feelings of shame holding you back. 

Firstly, 97% of Americans report having sexual fantasies (and frequently). That’s a lot, right? 

The Top 7 Themes Found:

1. Multipartner sex

2. Power control and Rough Sex (Guess what, only 4% of women and 7% of men had never had them!)

3. Novelty, Adventure and Variety


4. Taboo and Forbidden Sex 

5. Partner Sharing and Non-monogamous Relationships

6. Passion and Romance


7. Erotic Flexibility (homoeroticism and gender-bending) 

Group sex was by far the most common fantasy, with 89% reporting having fantasies about threesomes, 74% about orgies, and 61% gangbangs.  

And three quarters of men and women hope to eventually act out their favorite sexual fantasy.

It also might surprise you to learn that 1 in 5 women and 1 in 10 men had brought themselves to orgasm through thinking about their biggest fantasy ALONE. To clarify: that’s without ANY physical stimulation. We're in awe.

So we’ll leave you with an invitation to reflect. 

Not only on what turns you on, but to consider the positive impact that turn-ons could have in your life, if you’re able to view it with gratitude, rather than shame? 

What are the possibilities it could bring?

What are the adventures it could open up?

And what is the first step you can take towards embracing it?

Download the Lover app today to discover our mindfulness exercise designed to neutralize unhelpful sexual thoughts.

Facts are taken from "Tell Me What You Want" by Justin Lehmiller.


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