We’ve all been there - questioning why we aren’t having more sex. There are so many reasons you aren’t having sex with your partner, or why you aren’t feeling like you want to have sex with your partner. Here are just a few:
You often say you don’t have time for sex.
You aren’t “feeling it”.
You may find that sex isn't interesting.
You might feel like sex doesn't feel good.
Or maybe your partner is more disinterested or too busy to connect with you the way you want them to. Both of these scenarios can be incredibly frustrating for everyone involved. (Sexual frustration is no joke!)
But before we get started, let’s be clear, you do not need a sexual partner to be sexually active. In fact, a healthy pleasurable sex life often begins with you, engaging sexually with yourself. (We often call this solo sex). Many people report more fulling and pleasurable sex life without a partner.
That said if you do have a partner, and you aren’t having as much sex as you’d like, or you’re in a sexless relationship, there are many solutions available. These tend to be fun and easy.
So, for those of you wondering: what can I do to be sexually active? This one is for you.
1. Spend time engaging with the erotic
When we say erotic, that means audio, visual, or written! You don’t have to commit to touching yourself or bringing yourself to orgasm. Simply listening to a sexy story on your way to work can do wonders for your desire.
Engaging with erotica also includes playing around with fantasy. Fantasy can heighten pleasure and excitement during sex. On the other hand, it can help us uncover what turns us on and off, which we can then introduce into partnered play. Roleplay anyone?
2. Practice touching
Sensate focus techniques can get you in tune with your body and clued up to what it wants!
Try playing around with touch all over your body - and pay attention to how your body reacts. This exercise is important for people struggling with a low sex drive, as it’s an easy and non-threatening way to start engaging sexually without the pressure of going all the way.
3. Explore your body
As we mentioned, you don’t need a partner to be sexually active. Get exploring your body and find out the many ways to pleasure yourself. Did you know there is more than one type of orgasm?
Many women don’t realize that you can have an orgasm from your nipples. About 29% of women can orgasm purely from breast stimulation* alone! This also means men and anyone with nipples has a chance of enjoying this type of pleasure.
And, if you’re a man, pay attention to your perineum and anal opening. Most men find the stimulation of these areas highly pleasurable.
4. Use toys
There are all sorts of fun toys out there for men, women, and couples. Sex toys can play an important role in enhancing your sex life and introducing you to a new world of sexual sensations and pleasure.
Men suffering from a low sex drive often overlook toys to help build arousal - but there is a whole range of toys that stimulate the penis, perineum, and anus.
Not to mention, toys introduce newness and variety to your sex life which will leave you wanting more! Then, it's important to introduce these new discoveries into your partnered play, too!
One thing you should never forget: clitoral stimulation. Sex is not about penetration, and most people with vulvas need about 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. So why not try a vibrator on for size? Or self-stimulate exteriorly while your partner is inside you.
Not only is exercise a proven mood booster. It also releases endorphins which increase your feelings of positivity. For many people, mood and even lack of body confidence can be a significant barrier to wanting to engage sexually. However, if you're feeling confident in yourself and your body - you may find you have more drive to engage sexually!
Lover has created some short ‘sexercise’ work-outs to get you started.
Pro-tip: kegel exercises are also proven to help with not only your sexual health but your overall health as well.
6. Get physically affectionate
If you’re not engaging in affectionate touch or sex, it will most likely fall off your radar. So, if you have someone close in your life - let them know!
Having a kiss or a cuddle every now and again will help maintain a physical (and emotional!) connection. You may find that increased physical contact will lead to way more sex.
Cultivating affection outside of the bedroom can bring the two of you the emotional closeness necessary to bring about romantic and loving sex. This closeness is also important to build trust for trying new things together, which we highly recommend for long-term couples since the key to a great sex life is novelty.
7. Be experimental
Bedroom boredom is a leading cause of people not engaging sexually. If this resonates with you - think of some new positions to try! Maybe you always have sex at the same time or in the same place? Switch it up! Your imagination is the only thing holding you back.
When we introduce novelty to sex, it increases our anticipation of the event and heightens our arousal. Just think back to the old days when everything was exciting because it was new and unexpected!
Many couples in long-term relationships come to know the step-by-step process of sex. A couple of minutes of kissing, three minutes of foreplay, and then sex. So, why not surprise your partner, and change it up? You might be surprised by the results.
8. Don’t wait until you want
Our favorite saying from our team of doctors: Don’t wait until you want!
Sexual desire naturally wanes as we get older and as our relationships mature. So it’s natural to find yourself being less sexually active. Even if you have a high sex drive, children, work, and family commitments all get in the way more than they did previously. If this feels relevant to you, make a conscious effort to change it.
If we around waiting to feel sexual spontaneously, we may be waiting a while or maybe forever. So, kickstart your engine, and start having sex (solo or partnered)! You might set aside some time to masturbate or engage in some sort of erotic stimulus, whatever you choose! Centering the erotic inside your routine is an incredible way to bring sexual wellness to the forefront of your life.
Setting the scene for your partner may help ease both of you into new sexual experiences or create a positive sexual response for both of you. If you have a partner, create an erotic mood by dimming the lights or putting on a sexy playlist. This will help set the tone for sex and get you both in the headspace to let go.
What if I need help talking to my partner about our sex life?
Sometimes couples fall into negative sex habits. Which can be a multitude of things with many causes. Here is a short list of things that can negatively affect your bedroom life:
Life changes affect your physical health and lead to sexual dysfunction.
Aging changes such as menopause can cause vaginal dryness, painful sex, and lower libido.
Mental health issues can affect arousal and put a wedge between couples.
Bad communication between partners leads to faked orgasms and in general bad sex.
The good news is, that these things can be changed with a little work. Whether that’s bringing lube and some new toys to the bedroom to make the sex more pleasurable for all participants or seeking help from a medical doctor or a sex therapist outside of the bedroom it is possible to get your bedroom life back on track.
Want a sex therapist in your pocket? Well, the Lover app is a discrete, affordable, and fantastically successful treatment option for most of the issues above. Download the Lover app today for expert courses and guidance designed to help you enjoy sex more.
*Dr. Herbert Otto, a survey of 213 women.