You might be here because you’ve typed into google, “Sex with my partner sucks” and you’re questioning everything from your ability to perform in bed, to the sustainability of your relationship. When sex isn’t pleasurable (or just straight-up bad) with someone you love, it can start to feel like a big problem. We’re here to tell you that it’s entirely treatable.
If you’ve had good sex at some point in your life, you know how amazing it can be. If you’re thinking about those good times and want to get back to the days of great sex again, there are a few simple steps you can take.
If you’re not having pleasurable sex with your current partner on a regular basis, you may feel a dip in your sexual desire as a whole. You might start to feel like sex is a chore, or that it’s never even on your mind, and you begin to experience what psychologists and sex therapists call low desire. It’s entirely normal to lose interest in sex if it isn’t good.
On top of that - if you’re one of the many people who struggle with orgasm, having better sex may solve your orgasm issues as well.
So we’d like to ask you, are you having good sex? And by good, we mean pleasurable. That doesn’t mean you reach orgasm every single time because sometimes that is a bit unrealistic.
But is it a positive experience? Do you lie back feeling relaxed and full of happy hormones?
Or do you find yourself, frustrated, confused, and maybe even feeling a bit emotionally detached from the whole experience?
If any of these resonate with you - this article is going to give you tips on how to prioritize your pleasure and get the sex YOU want. And this is a vital step for any healthy sex life.
Because having less than pleasurable sex can leave us feeling pretty sexually frustrated and sometimes even disconnected from a partner. None of these are conducive to our desire, pleasure, and happiness!
What to do if you are not sexually satisfied in a relationship:
Step 1: Find Out What You Like!
To experience pleasure you've got to know what you like. If you’re waiting for a partner to miraculously do something mindblowing, you may be waiting a while.
This is why on the Lover App we like to recommend to our users that they do some self-exploration. This could mean experimenting with touch all across your body, masturbating, or even some costume play! Whatever.
This way you can find out what turns you on. Or even find out what you don’t like!
If you tap into your turn-ons, sex will always be amazing.
Masturbation is particularly important, as it can help us discover the many routes to orgasm. So, play around with different touches, speeds, and even pressures…
Everyone has different erogenous zones, so here are a few you can try out.
Step 2: How to Tell Your Partner The Sex Is Bad
Once you're aware of what you like (or if you already know) you've got to let your partner know! Sadly our partners aren’t telepathic. Although that would solve a lot of issues.
This means you’ve got to muster up the courage to tell your partner exactly what you want.
You can start off with non-verbal communication if that’s more comfortable! Guide your partner’s hand to the right spots, and show them what speed you like… you could even just groan or arch your back when they do something right. Giving your partner positive feedback is so important for letting your partner know what they need to do more of.
Or - you can be more upfront and use verbal communication. You might tell them you love it when they use that stroke, or when they go at a certain speed.
Be clear with what you are asking, but always keep it positive in the bedroom. If you start heavily criticizing your partner about their style it will likely knock their confidence. So be encouraging here! You could start with ‘I love it when you do this…’. to put them in a positive mind frame!
Your partner will be so grateful for you sharing with them how they can pleasure you. Because, after all, a partner's pleasure is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs. So, if they’re confident you're enjoying it, it’ll definitely make their experience a whole lot better too.
That said - if you’re simply not having as much sex as you’d like - let your partner know too! Tell them you love it when you have sex, and ask if they’d be up for having more of it.
Check out our blog post on how to initiate sex
Don’t panic if they don’t jump at the idea… each person has different sexual desire styles - so it might just take a bit of work on your side to find out what gets them going.
If you’re not having any luck getting your partner interested in sex, and you are coming to the conclusion that your partner has lost interest in intimacy altogether you might want to encourage them to check out the Lover app, which helps treat low sexual desire as well as many other sexual dysfunctions. (It can even help the two of you grow closer and get to know each other in new ways!)
Visit our article here to find out more about desire styles: What's Your Desire Style?
Step 3: Routine Sex = Boring Sex, So Let’s Spice It Up!
For those of us in long-term relationships, keeping the passion and excitement alive can be difficult. So, how can you make sex better? I'm guessing there's something you've always wanted to try… but introducing new things to your bedroom can be a bit tricky.
Here are a few suggestions:
For starters, write a list of the things you want to try in the bedroom then read each other’s lists and see where you overlap. If you are having a hard time coming up with ideas, keep reading.
When it comes to sex there is so much out there, it’s just about unlocking our erotic minds and being open to new things. (And maintaining safety and consent practices.)
If your partner is unwilling to try anything new in bed, you might be feeling a bit stumped, but don’t worry, we have just the thing for the two of you to be exposed safely to new ideas.
The Turn-ons Game is the perfect thing to get you inspired and a proven way to improve your sex life. It’s a feature in the Lover app that couples can use to upvote and downvote ideas to try in bed. Each of you can go through over 1,000 ideas to try in bed separately, and if you connect your accounts you can see which ideas you both want to try.
If that sounds good to you, you’ll love the other features of the Lover app as well. Explore a number of courses that can improve your sexual confidence, and your sexual performance, and overall have you reconnect with your partner in ways you never have before.
Give the Lover app a shot and begin your 3-day free trial here.