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How to Have Sex Without an Erection

If you have a penis and are used to involving it in your erotic life, you might feel like it’s absolutely impossible for you to have sex any other way. Thinking like this can mean that you put extra pressure on yourself to get and maintain a strong erection or to have an orgasm exactly when you want one and not before — pressure that, ironically, can make it harder to do either.

It’s also making you bad in bed.

You may or may not have heard this before, but your penis isn’t the only way, or even the main way, your partner experiences pleasure. If you make sex all about your penis, you’re missing an opportunity to have sex that lasts longer and is more pleasurable for both you and your partner(s).

Heterosexual intercourse, meaning p-in-v penetration, lasts a median of between 5.4 and 7.5 minutes, according to recent research. According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, women take 14 minutes to orgasm during partnered sex. There is extremely limited data around sex between men who sleep with men, in part due to heterosexist bias.

For female same-sex partners (to use researchers’ language around gender), sex lasts much, much longer, often 30 to 60 minutes or more. There are also more orgasms: 86% of lesbian women report orgasming during sex, while just 65% of heterosexual women do.

What can you take from that? It is possible to have incredible sex, for hours, without an erect penis stealing the show. Learning to have sex without an erection is the secret you need for a better sex life — and it can even cure your erectile dysfunction.

Focusing your attention on all the ways to give and receive pleasure, instead of on one, means that you don’t have to depend on just that one body part. It can make you better and stronger in bed. It can keep you and your partner(s) from getting bored. It can also reduce the impact that anxiety has on your sexual pleasure. Here’s how to do it.

How to Have Sex Without an Erection

Many cis men think that sex consists of a few activities — foreplay, or if you’re lucky,